How The Bastard Lost His Edge -- a Christmas Flopper (includes racy commentary from editor, friends, and family!)
There were rumors that the cops finally got through to him with the impeccable logic of their arguments against drugs; a sudden online silence replaced what had been an average of 1-3 emails received a day, by The Bastard. (He went on a binge; stopped sending the dozens of emails he was in the habit of sending per day himself, -- therefor this, "silence" --ed.).
No matter how many weddings I may've soiled (by convincingly mocking anal penetration at the bride with a champagne cork, for example -- a groom), no matter how many bottles of Listerine I've stolen (usually from Costco -- countless bottles, never as fancy as Listerine -- man believed to be his father) I would find this kind of neglect of any member an insult to the family name.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than most people, and I may not be able to add things up all that quickly, in terms of like, jokes and stuff, and I don't care much about grades or nothin' like that or anything ("you know," "and what-have-you," ad nauseum).